Whats in my head

So many things going through my mind, and not enough time to do them, to sort them out. So my head - or so i thought - was getting better. Seems when something happens it can bring back so many bad memories. Memories that i tried to forget. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression after my second baby was born. Went on meds that didn't work, sent to hospital to get off them and go on new ones, which made me feel like a zombie. Felt good enough in my life to slowly go off them to have a third baby. This I did over many months. Had baby 3, a year later, baby 4, another year later baby 5! All good, and no relapses. Here is where the real fun begins, where my sanity went on holidays and didn't leave a phone number to call in emergencies. Next door neighbour noticed that my partner wasn't around anymore (he was on his third trip to Afghanistan). For some reason, even after living next to us for over 3 years, decided to yell at myself and my kids whenever we were in our yard, attack our dogs, try to get us evicted from our own home, and bashed on our door late at night saying he was going to kill me and my kids. Over months this went on, and i got medical help again. I was a mess. shaking, crying, and hated being in my own home, that we built perfect for our family. Police were called many times by both them and myself. Nothing but a slap on the wrist for the bad guy, and me looking like a raving lunatic. We called him Mr Rock and Roll, because his way to let us know he was home, was to play his music really loud in the back yard. My kids knew they had to come in at that signal from him. He also wore a fluro yellow work shirt, like they wear on building sites. I hate these shorts, and are a major trigger for memories and fear. The medication works, police tell him to leave us alone (which doesn't help living next door), they sell their house, leave, we get a new posting interstate and we are happy. So now my partner is on another deployment, and I am doing fine. A 'friend' who we have known for many years but have lived apart for most of it, gets a posting to where we are, and moves a couple of houses away from us. I'm fine and pleased to see them. Even though I had to cut off our friendship because she was , as i felt, 'using' me. Things like, dropping her kids off at my house and going off for the day - even when they were 'supposidly' sick. they were always sick - aparently were so. Phenergan was her choice to give to her kids for whatever reason, she was always telling me that she had given some to her son when she arrived at my house. So about a week ago, she came to my house wheeling her lawn mower (days earlier she commented that it needs to be done). She mowed the lawn while i watched her kids. I have a small front yard so it didn't take long, but she didn't even come in when she finished, just asked me outside and proceeded to let me know that my kids have no respect for me and i need to discipline them, because i don't seem to be good at it. An to stop my kids abusing her son online, or she will take it all to the kids school principal. Short story, her son is 11 and has a girlfriend, who is good friends with my oldest daughter. my daughter saw that girlfriend was upset, as he went on a trip with another girls family (this girl flirts with son), so my daughter stuck up for her friend. - if you can understand that you are better than i am!! I let it slide as she had just mowed the lawn and she was a friend whom i didn't want to argue with - i also had a flu at the time so not much energy for a back chat. next morning i get a text from her saying to let my daughter know not to post photos online of her son. found out that the photo was a baby photo of her son, my son and daughter in nappies. its like she was starting to run my life, was condescending, and passive aggressive by mowing then going for the throat! next day felt stronger from flu, and decided to go to confront her about text and to let her know to leave my kids out of anything that is going on between her son and his love life, and it all has nothing to do with school so why should i be threatened with them. the principal doesn't scare me, in fact he and the school faculty are lovely people. i got there and asked her daughter to go inside and signalled for her to come out for a chat. i started to let her know when her husband came out and started to get involved. i said to him it has nothing to do with him and to let me talk to her. he went for me. yelling, swearing and flailing his arms about telling me to get off his lawn, i don't know anything. i kept telling him i have no problem with him and for him to fuck off. he got right in my face yelling at me. his eyes wide and he was shaking, moving me back to the kerb. all i could see was his eyes and what he was wearing - a stupid fucking yellow work shirt! i got back in my car and gave him the finger, drove home and cried in the wardrobe. got the kids dinner and i got a knock on the door. it was him. he came to say sorry, and told me that the son and girlfriend fights have been going on for over a month. something i knew nothing of. he wanted me to talk like and adult - seems to be his catchphrase - out side of the screen door, i said no because of what just happened earlier. he was still wearing the shirt, my hand was on the door handle going white with me trying to ground myself and keep calm and strong. i asked why he is sorry and he said for sticking up for his wife. not really the answer i was looking for. it was like he was listening to me but not hearing, you know like when you ask a kid to do chores when they are watching tv. he said well i said sorry, and i told him i cant accept it, and they way i'm feeling cant be friends with them anymore. That night i got sick, vomited all night, headaches. couldn't keep anything down, not even water for next couple of days. try taking care of kids feeling like that! cant sleep properly, memories of mr rock and roll and his face in mine with wide eyes haunt me. i can feel the fabric of the shirt on my skin (trying to recover from rock and roll, i went into a work clothes shop and forced myself to touch the yellow shorts, they were rough). So my mind had seemingly gone a one way trip to la la land. I don't think im depressed. but i am upset and scared and feeling like i want to vomit everytime i think of what happened last week. its frustrating how someone can do this to another person. i'm not saying i'm without fault. but i would never intimidate another person like that. i cant understand how anyone seems to think its everyday stuff to yell and threaten and know that they wont have anything done back. did they think it was their right, because they are stronger (they are both little men), because they know i wont fight back, that im weaker?? I cant understand why bad people do things and get away with it. I cant understand why im like this at all. I cant understand it and its frustrating me.